Homeland Insecurity: I’m a dancing machine
by Lisa Davis
Feb 24, 2013 | 3286 views |  0 comments | 5 5 recommendations | email to a friend | print
My son hurled his backpack into the car and proceeded to give me the news of the sixth grade.

“We had to do square dancing in music class today. Only there weren’t enough girls to go around, so I didn’t get to dance.”

I haven’t seen him that happy in a long time.

I immediately flashed back to my own seventh grade year, when my mother signed me up for ballroom dancing lessons.

The memories make me shudder to this day.

Why do they try and teach dance in sixth or seventh grade, when all the boys still have cooties? Why don’t they wait and teach dance in high school?

(Oh wait. I think I know why. Never mind.)

Now, of course, I wish I knew how to dance. My husband is a great dancer. But I. Can’t. Dance.

My mom signed me up for ballet lessons in elementary school. I couldn’t make it past the warm-up stretches.

In high school, disco passed me by. I couldn’t even do the arm gestures to “Y-M-C-A.”

I’ve tried to line dance a few times, but I always jump two beats behind everybody else.

Macarena? Ha! Mock-a-rena.

My fine motor skills are great. My fingers are lightning fast, thanks to 16 years of piano lessons. But my gross motor skills are, well gross. I’m completely uncoordinated as a dancer.

I’m lousy at sports, too.

I can dribble the basketball, or I can move my feet. I just can’t do both at the same time.

I’m pretty good at tennis, as long as my opponent is the garage door.

It’s very amusing to watch me try and swing a golf club. (Notice I said “swing a golf club,” not “hit a golf ball.”)

I am even routinely beaten at sports video games. The only Wii Sports game I’m good at is called “Table Tilt,” in which the goal is to roll a marble through a maze. All it requires is the ability to stand still and lean from side to side.

I can do that. As long as I don’t have to chew gum at the same time.

There’s a yoga game on the Wii where all you have to do is sit still for 10 minutes. I have the high score on that one.

Oddly enough, I am pretty good at playing “Just Dance!” on the Wii. This is because my son and I have figured out how to cheat.

When you are following along with the dance moves, the Wii can’t tell what you’re doing with your feet. It can only read what you’re doing with the game controller you’re holding in your hand.

When my son and I play “Just Dance,” we just sit on the couch and wave our arms.

Allemande left, and Dosey Doe!

Email Lisa Davis at ldavis@annistonstar.com.
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Homeland Insecurity: I’m a dancing machine by Lisa Davis

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