My current morning routine goes something like this:
1. Wake up, take a pill for joint health. Wait 30 minutes before taking anything else.
2. Take a pill for stomach issues. Wait another 30 minutes before eating.
3. Eat breakfast like a hungry wolf.
4. Take a multivitamin.
5. Take a couple of extra B vitamins to aid in the absorption of the pill for joint health.
6. Take a teaspoon of cod liver oil. (Yes, I’ve turned into my grandmother.)
7. Here, I should also take a teaspoon of local honey for my allergies, but I never remember to do that. Maybe I should start taking ginkgo biloba as a memory aid.
I have been trying to get more probiotics into my diet throughout the day. Probiotics are good bacteria that aid in digestion and all sorts of other good-for-you things. They can be found in fermented foods like yogurt.
They’re are all the rage these days. Every carton of yogurt in the store screams “probiotics!!” on the label. I even saw a jar of pickles that advertised “probiotics inside!!!”
But I’m bored with yogurt. And I don’t want to eat that many pickles.
I could take my probiotics in pill form, because I’m already taking enough pills (see Nos. 1-5, above) but I’d probably forget to take them (see No. 7).
So I’ve been trying to get my probiotics from fermented foods. In the winter, I would have a cup of miso soup — Japanese seasoning made from fermented soybeans — for lunch. But now it’s too hot for soup.
Then my grocery store started carrying kefir — fermented milk drink. And that was good, until I realized that, for what I was paying for a quart of kefir, I could buy a gallon of buttermilk, another fermented milk drink.
I started drinking a buttermilk-strawberry smoothie for breakfast every morning. Until all that dairy started to bother my stomach. (See. No. 2.)
Next I tried kimchi (very spicy Korean fermented cabbage). That didn’t work, because somebody didn’t notice the warning sign on the top of the jar that said, “CAUTION: Contents under pressure. Open carefully,” and inadvertently exploded stinky kimchi juice all over the kitchen.
Sauerkraut is also fermented cabbage, but I can only stomach it layered with pastrami on toasted rye, which would seem to defeat the purpose.
Most recently, I discovered bottles of a drink called kombucha, a Chinese fermented tea, at the store. It smells a little like apple cider vinegar but actually tastes pretty good.
I was swigging a big bottle of kombucha every day, and feeling fine, when I noticed the fine print on the label: “Contains a trace amount of alcohol.” I’ve been drinking 1-proof sweet tea.
Hey, wait a minute. Wine is fermented, isn’t it? And beer?
Silly me. I don’t need sauerkraut or kimchi to get my probiotics. I’ll just drink my vitameatavegamin.
Contact Lisa Davis at email@example.com