Op-Ed Columns

Here we are about to celebrate one of the most popular non-holidays on the calendar. Even with the economy sour, maybe even because of the bad taste we have right now, Americans are spending money to dress up like "ghouls and ghosties and long-legged beasties" and are off to go "bump in the night."

Good for us.

As for those folks who think there is something demonic about the day and that good Christians should not go demonic, well, I saw a real cute Bo-Peep outfit in one of the countless catalogs that arrive at our home, and if you figure your wife or girlfriend wearing that is demonic then there ain't much I can do for you.

So quit worrying about folks clomping about in costumes. My friends, there are a lot of strange things going on out there, and few — if any — have anything to do with Halloween.

For example:

A Labrador retriever ran for mayor of Fairhope.

U.S. Immigration authorities denied Boy George a visa because of his criminal record. The British immigration office denied Martha Stewart a visa because of hers.

Out in Arkansas, Sacha Baron Cohen (the "Borat" guy) lured a bunch of good ol'-boys into an arena with promises of cage fighting and $1 beer, only to give them a fake tussle that ended in a gay kiss. It took police 45 minutes to clear the outraged audience from the hall.

OK, that's demonic.

Then there was the comment by Jordan Moore of St. Louis who, outraged at the sale of American icon Anheuser-Busch to a Belgium company, swore that instead of Budweiser, "I'll go back to Wild Turkey."

Memo to Jordan, Wild Turkey is owned by Pernod Ricard SA, which is French.

Over in Athens, Ga., a woman was given a ticket for jaywalking. After receiving the citation she toddled into the middle of the street, lifted her skirt and mooned the police and oncoming traffic. She was arrested for public indecency.

Alcohol was reportedly involved. In an upscale Dallas suburb, they are selling sushi at high school football concession stands.

In Birmingham, a man rammed his car into the Internal Revenue Service building (who hasn't wanted to?).

In Decatur, someone stole 200 bras worth about $9,000 from a local Victoria's Secret store. Police are currently looking for two women, 34-C and 36-D.

In Moulton, "Skip" Dollar and Mickey Joe Hill were drinking beer. Running low, Dollar gave Hill $10 to go buy more. He came back with only four cans. Dollar got mad, took the beer and refused to give Hill any. Hill went into the kitchen, got a knife and stabbed Dollar, who survived. Hill went to jail. Alcohol was definitely involved.

In Atlanta, they jailed traveling minister Bishop Anthony Owens for marrying eight or so women — he couldn't remember just how many. Apparently one of the wives found out about the others and filed charges.

Serves him right — in more ways than one.

Meanwhile, my friend and former student Carla told of finding herself pushing her buggy down the aisle of the Adairsville Wal-Mart when someone behind her grunted a "Johnny Cash grunt." So she moved over and a woman walked by wearing NASCAR pajama pants, a Sons of Confederate Veterans T-shirt that read "Ride Like You're Riding with Forrest" and carrying a University of Alabama purse.

You can't make that up.

More in the spirit of what the anti-Halloween folks think Halloween is all about is what happened to the African minister who reportedly prayed the prayer that either protected Sarah Palin from witches or got her elected governor of Alaska, or both, or neither.

According to one of those Internet news sources you can't really trust, the minister in question got started in the preaching trade with a real witchhunt in a Kenyan town where he "sensed" a "demonic presence." Then he told townsfolk that God told him that a local fortune-teller was the problem. Some residents got all excited at this, and for a while it looked like there was a stoning in the fortune-teller's future. Apparently she "sensed" the danger (just as a good fortune-teller should) and slipped out of town just before the police raided her home.

So they shot her pet snake.

Thought it was a demon.

Meanwhile, out west a bunch of believers, whipped up by "self-described prophet and God Cannel regular Cindy Jacobs," are convinced that Interstate 35, which runs from Laredo, Texas, to Duluth, Minn., is "The Highway of Holiness" mentioned in Isaiah 35:8. (See the connection? I-35.) So they are praying for the road to inspire the people and the nation to repent of their personal and collective sins.

From the report I read, it was not clear if celebrating Halloween was among these, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was.

So keep your wits about you. Strange stuff is going on out there.